On this day four years ago, I said the hardest “goodbye” that I’ve ever had to say. It still hurts more than any other pain I’ve experienced, even now, four years later.
This same month, just 10 days earlier, seven years ago, was the day I broke my arm in a horseback riding accident. It was a compound fracture in my left humerus, pretty much right in the middle of the bone. I dented the steel in my steel-toed boots. I ended up having two suregeries, the second being a replacement of the first plate that was put in with a longer one and a bone graft using bone from my hip.
I had already been battling horrible fear, anxiety, and insecurity riding horses. The fact that I had decided to work to get over my fears and run for a rodeo queen title was a really big deal. Having the traumatic horseback riding accident, just under a month after my 16th birthday, didn’t help with those fears and anxieties at all. It only led to a bigger challenge to overcome.
I’m proud to say that a year later, I was not only able to run for the title, but also was crowned the 2017 Miss Ritzville Rodeo. Had it not been for my amazing horse, Saturday, I would have never been able to accomplish what I did.
I bought Saturday, his full name on his papers was Mr. Saturday Night, when I was 13 years old. It was actually a February when I bought him, the same month that I broke my arm and said goodbye to him, just different years. He helped me overcome so many fears, both rational and irrational, that I had. He made it possible for my dream of becoming a rodeo queen a reality.
I had Saturday from the time I was 13 until I was 20. He got me through all of my teen years. He helped me overcome so much to accomplish my dreams. I am forever grateful for everything he’s done for me. Every experience I had with him, both good and bad. Every lesson he taught me. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for him.
I remember the day I had to say “goodbye” to him. February 27th, 2019. That was the hardest “goodbye” I’ve ever had to say. I remember coming home from work that day and being told that something was wrong with Saturday. I remember seeing the chunks of ice sticking to him and the look in his eyes. The look in his eyes said he was scared, but also that it was time. Looking back, maybe that fear in his eyes was fear for me and how I would be after saying “goodbye” to him.
We took him to the vet, even though he had already time through that look in his eyes. I was told there were tests we could run to try and find out what was wrong. And as much as I would have loved to have chosen that option and do everything to try to cure his ailments, that wasn’t the humane thing to do. He was 28 or so, which is pretty up there in age for a horse. He had lived a full life. Who knows what all he saw throughout his lifetime and what kind of spunky personality he had in his younger years. He was full of life and spunky personality from the day I brought him home until the day I said “goodbye.”
I knew the day I bought him that saying “goodbye” to him was going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I’ve also always known that I would be able to make the decision to pull the trigger, I just wouldn’t be able to actually pull the trigger myself. I’m very grateful to have such a great vet who was able to pull the trigger for me.
The pain of saying that “goodbye” still cuts just as deeply today as it did that day. This kind of pain is the kind of pain that never truly goes away. To some, he may have only been just a horse. But to me, he was my best friend for so many years. It’s a loss that I will be grieving for the rest of my lifetime.
While that grief will always hurt and never go away, I wouldn’t change a thing if I had the choice. There’s good and bad to everything. All of the good that I had the opportunity to experience because of him makes having to endure the bad entirely worth it. I’m lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I did.
Saturday was a Saddlebred and Arabian cross. He was narrow in frame and trained for posh, English-style riding. I had intended to learn to ride English while I had him, but I had to say “goodbye” before I could. He had this fast, beautiful, elaborate trot that made it look like he was floating. Riding that trot was one hell of an experience.
I remember the first time I ever worked cattle with him. It was when I was running for the queen title. During the rodeo, royalty and royalty contestants help push calves to the catch pen at the other end of the arena. It was early on in the event. The first calf of that event had made its way to the other end of the arena pretty quickly. As Saturday and I followed the reigning queen and her horse down to guide the calf into the catch pen, Saturday had no clue what we were doing. He was just having fun running around, following the other horses. When the second calf for that event came out of the chute, Saturday completely froze and stared at it. He had a total “what the heck?!” look on his face as he watched the calf. When it was time to push the calf towards the catch pen, Saturday realized that he got to chase the calf around. From that moment on, he loved working cattle every chance he got.
He always had this youthful look and boyish charm in his face, even as an old man. He was always curious and full of wonder. As his body grew older, his spirit contiued to stay young. On days like today, when my heart was hurting, I would go to the barn or pasture and find him. Saturday knew when I was hurting or upset and would nibble on my hair. What I wouldn’t give to feel that again, especially now…
So to Saturday, I say thank you. Thank you for all of the experiences we had together. Thank you for all of the lessons you taught me. Thank you for helping me overcome all of the challenges I faced and giving me the courage I have now. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for you. I will always love and miss you, my English-trained cow horse. You were the hardest “goodbye” I’ve ever had to say. Thank you for being a part of my life Mr. Saturday Night.
Sorting Through the Shit 