As I have stated in many other writings on this site, I was diagnosed with ADHD in January of 2021, shortly after my 22 birthday. I’m one of the lucky ones who was diagnosed so young. My mom was diagnosed in July of 2021 at 43. Many women with ADHD are diagnosed later in life, if they get diagnosed at all. More and more women are being diagnosed in their 40s and 50s. Having a diagnoses has opened so many doors by putting a label on why I’ve struggled so much my entire life. The validation of having a diagnoses, an explanation, alone has had such a huge impact. Being able to find tools, resources, and strategies that are designed for people who share many of the same struggles I have. The label of a diagnoses has honestly given me the key term to include in my searches to find things that will actually work for me.
One of my favourite resources that I go to on a rather regular basis is a YouTube channel called How to ADHD. One of my coworkers who also has ADHD shared this resource with me when I was first diagnosed. Whenever I have spare time, like today when I was subbing for a different coworker and had some spare time during his prep period, I like to watch videos from that channel. Not only is it a great resource for me to learn different tools, strategies, or ways to communicate for myself, but it is also a great resource as an educator to learn about ADHD and how to better support my students.
I was watching the most recent video on the channel this morning which was about relatable things that happen to those of us with ADHD and how those things might’ve been missed signs that could’ve led to an earlier diagnoses. In the video there’s great reflection on some of the struggles that come along with those relatable things. The best example is an extreme level of messy. Messy desk, messy room, messy car, messy locker. Growing up, I was also the one kid in the class who had an insanely messy desk. It was like my own isolated hurricane tore through it. That level of disorganization was embarrassing. It also added to a lot of frustration and overwhelm I experienced. I would constantly lose important papers for school. It was overwhelming to complete tasks because I couldn’t find the necessary tools and the effort put into cleaning so I could find said tools was so incredibly mentally and emotionally exhausting. It still is to this day. I struggle with keeping my car, my office at work, and my space at home organized. On another note, all of my fire gear is organized–I’ll elaborate on that later or in another post.
The lack of executive function and the dysregulation of attention has caused me and many others to appear like we don’t care, are just lazy, or seem totally flaky. The diagnoses later in life and not recieving the proper treatment forces us to struggle unnecessarily. These might not seem like major issues for children with ADHD, especially if they’re diagnosed as a child, because there is the opportunity to learn at a young age how to compensate for those struggles. Many people, including myself, struggle with keeping up at work or in college if they haven’t had the opportunity to learn from a younger age as to why they struggle with basic tasks.
I had never really struggled through school. I wasn’t a straight A student either. I remember talking with my parents in high school and they were telling me that I should be in National Honor Society or that I should be a straight A student and that all I had to do was try harder. Had I been diagnosed at a younger age and received the appropriate treatment to help me, I could’ve very easily been those things. I would also be in med school right now on my way to be a doctor. Instead, I thought med school would’ve been too much of a challenge that I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on if I decided I didn’t like it. Now that I have been diagnosed and I’m learning what I need to do to take care of my mental health, to compensate for my love of emergency medicine while not entirely shifting career paths, I recently went through an EMT course.
As I’ve gone through the last year as a college student working full time. This came with challenges that I had never faced before. I work full-time as a paraprofessional in a school. The college program I’m going through is designed for paras, like myself, to become certified teachers. One of the major benefits of my job is a consistent schedule. While there were many, many factors that impacted my poor performance in my college classes throughout the last year, one of them was balancing work and school. Luckily, the consistent schedule kept it from becoming the worst case possible. My mental health hit rock bottom. I had started going on the journey of recieving an ADHD diagnoses because of the Special Education class I had taken summer of 2020. Reading through some of the things to watch for in students, I started to become concerned with how many signs I could personally relate to. That’s what started this journey. The entire year following that summer quarter had been absolute hell though. I had tried to explain to those in positions that impacted my situation how much I was struggling and that it was ADHD causing those struggles. All they heard was excuses. ADHD itself had become a hyperfixation that I had been researching, especially after being diagnosed. I was finding new ways to help me be successful and how to articulate what I was struggling with. I was, and am still, so excited to be learning about how my entire life has been so strongly impacted by this invisible disability. Yet, those who were in positions to help me were only hearing excuses and telling me to try harder.
While living through this last year, through a pandemic, and through discovering my invisible disability was absolute hell, I would honestly probably choose to relive it if it meant to getting to where I am now. In March, there were some very heavy things that had a heavy negative impact on my already deteriorating mental health. In April, I moved in with my roommate, and while we’ve had our ups and downs, it has ultimately been a very good thing. In May, I joined the local fire department with the help of my roommate, and planned on taking an EMT course the next time they were offering one. Shortly after joining, they announced that the next EMT course would be offered over the summer.
I had never really wanted to fight fire, I figured it wouldn’t end well with my luck, I joined so that it would be an easier route to becoming an EMT. After going on several fires throughout the summer, my mental health has honestly never been better. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I found my people. I completed the EMT course at the end of August and just took and passed the NREMT a couple of days ago. I’m taking the final steps to become a certified EMT. Being a volunteer firefighter and EMT has helped me learn many things about what kind of support systems in my life and what things do help me with the lack of executive function. I endured my typical struggles of getting things done like reading the chapter(s) assigned, just like I did in high school. I also endured a few anxiety and panic attacks over the summer. When I asked those in positions that impacted my situation for help, they did whatever they could to help with no questions asked. There’s a certain camaraderie that comes with that line of work, whether volunteer or professional. And with an honest thanks to being on the department, my mental health has never been better.
Being on a volunteer fire department also allows me to continue down a career path that I love while making up for the missing piece of how much I love emergency medicine. I absolutely love my career in education and the impact I get to have working in a school. Working in a school has the major benefit of the consistent schedule that I mentioned earlier. Working the same five days a week, every week, for nine months out of the year is a schedule that works incredibly well with my invisible disability. The days when I’m at home, whether it’s over the weekend, summer vacation, or a different break during the year, I often struggle to get started on tasks. This is that lack of executive function I mentioned earlier. It is incredibly hard to make myself get up and start a load of laundry or load the dishwasher at times, especially when I’m mentally and emotionally drained from working all week. I’m not feeling drained in a negative way either, it just takes my brain longer to rest and recover from working in general. As a volunteer firefighter and EMT, the expectation is show up when you can. So, when I’m not at work and my pager goes off, I’m jumping up and heading out the door as soon as I hear the tones.
Not having the executive function to accomplish tasks, like household chores, is something that has always had a major negative impact on my life. The rush of adrenaline I get when my pager goes off, regardless of what the call is, gives my brain enough dopamine to get the momentum going. When I return from a call, I often find it easier to work on those tasks that I had been struggling with starting. Never knowing when we’re going to get a call prevents it from becoming so routine and mundane that the rush wears off. It has had such a positive impact on accomplishing getting started and building momentum.
Having an invisible disability has both opened and closed many doors for me. I have been able to learn so many things that not only help me get on track, but also help me better serve my students. I’ve had some opportunities that I am so incredibly grateful for, like becoming a firefighter and EMT. I’ve also had some challenges that really hurt when those doors closed. ADHD often is brushed off as ”not that bad” and that anyone with ADHD ”just needs to try harder.” Even though I went 22 years before being diagnosed, ADHD has been the root cause of so many unnecessary challenges in my life. As much as I like to think of it as a super power, and at times it really is, I still have to remember that it is in fact a disability and I need to give myself grace when I can’t accomplish something that is a basic skill anyone else can do. For those of you who also sturggle with an invisible disability, i encourage you to give yourself grace when you run into those major or minor challenges that come so easy for neurotypical people. And for those of you who haven’t had to endure the challenges of an invisible disability, I ask that you give grace to everyone around you when they struggle with major or minor things. Who knows, they may just have an invisible disability.
Sorting Through the Shit 