I had an epiphany while I was folding laundry this evening. No matter how big a win seemed to me, it was never enough for someone else. I’m cleaning my room and finally getting things put away from moving back in April. I have been working on this off and on since I moved in. As I’ve tried to accomplish this, all that’s happened has been cycling through the hyperfocus and getting a lot done to losing all momentum as soon as the littlest bump got in the way. Anyone with ADHD, and many neurodivergent people in general, understand the struggle. And it is a major struggle.
Lately my roommate has been upset with me for not meeting her standards of cleanliness. She has been gone for most of the summer due to work. She is a full-time EMT and was out on firelines as an EMT for the majority of the summer. I work in a school and have taken up being a volunteer firefighter/EMT. Throughout the summer, I was working summer school and taking an EMT course to get my certification. I only have one test left to take. I’m also a college student working on my bachelor’s degree and teaching certificate. There’s a lot going on. It may sound like I’m making excuses, I’m not, I’m honestly trying to give the fullest picture I can. Anyway, she has been frustrated with what looks like a lack of effort on my part. I completely understand how it looks like a lack of effort and how frustrating it is. I was at least able to get the majority of the things cleaned up before she came home like I said I would.
I was so excited to have gotten these done. It had been hell trying to get these simple tasks done. Dishes are a major thing I struggle with. I was thrilled to have the dishwasher loaded and ran before she came home. I also have some boxes in the living room still from moving. There was a large pile of snacks from costco that I had promised would be dealt with before she came home. The last major thing that had been leading to our quarrels was the lawn not being mowed. That was honestly an asinine one that lead to significantly more tension than it should’ve. After procrastinating twice, letting the lawn get ridiculously long, fighting it, and being content that it was done and letting it grow a slightly longer than it should’ve again, there was still ridiculous tension.
When you have an invisible disability like ADHD, it’s hard to explain why those things were such challenges. Any reasonable person would’ve just done the things. I wish I could’ve just done the things. With ADHD, you can’t just do the thing. There’s walls of awful that stop you, rejection is something you have an acute sensitivity to, the executive function app in our brains doesn’t work, and the emotional regulator is broken. There are so many invisible challenges that make it look like we’re simply not trying.
I was frustrated because she was frustrated with me, which isn’t fair to either of us. Because of the mutual frustration and my broken emotional regulator being broken, things that would normally be a moderately small, yet significant win for me wasn’t enough for her. While she was gone and it hadn’t recently been any sort of issue between us, I was so estatic to have accomplished unloading, reloading, and running the dishwasher. An incredibly basic skill that the majority of people should be capable of, is a largely indimidating obstacle for me. Other tasks that were recently issues between us, such as the pile of snacks in the living room and the lawn needing to be mowed, were a whole level above difficult for me because there was that tension. That tension only worsened the conditions of my executive function brain app and my already broken emotional regulator.
Even though accomplishing these tasks was a big deal for me, the fact that they hadn’t been done to her standards or expectations meant that I couldn’t celebrate things that I should’ve. Celebrating the wins, no matter how big or small, make it easier to accomplish necessary tasks like that again in the future. When you can take a moment or two to acknowledge the level of difficulty you had to go through to accomplish them and appreciate the effort it took, your brain releases some of the happy chemicals. In turn, releasing those happy chemicals rewires your brain in small bits, so that the next time you go to do the difficult tasks, it’s just a little bit easier. That cycle of happy chemicals is important because after cycling through so many times, those difficult tasks will no longer be any sort of a challege.
One thing I had discussed with my roommate prior to moving in was needing help learning to do those basic tasks that go with keeping a house livable. I had a lot to learn and still do. These were skills that I could do, but had significant amounts of trouble merely starting them. Luckily my mental health has gotten to the point that these rounds of tension between her and I won’t be massive setbacks, like they would’ve at the beginning of the year, these will just be mild ones. But they’re still setbacks nonetheless.
These challenges I’ve had my entire life, not being able to celebrate my wins because they didn’t meet somebody else’s expectations. I also had these same challenges during spring quarter with my college program. Any of the wins I had weren’t big enough for the people I had to prove myself to to stay with my cohort in the program. As I reflect now, it’s ridiculous to have been held to such high standards when I was crying for help.
I came up with a great analogy when I was in the shower one day to explain what it was like crying for help and nobody helping because I looked like I was totally capable. Anytime I have faced challenges like this, it felt like I was drowning. I have years of swimming that give me the muscle memory. For the sake of the analogy, I’m a lifeguard at the beach and I’m drowning. As I signal for help, the people who are supposed to be there to help just stand back watching and judging. “She obviously can swim, she’s a lifeguard,” they say. “It’s her own fault for not putting in the effort to swim back to shore,” others chime in. What they don’t see is a riptide under the surface that’s pulling me further under the water and out to sea. I’m fighting currents that nobody can see, yet it’s my fault that I’m drowning because I’m not putting in enough effort. And even though I’m asking for help from the people who told me to ask if I ever needed it, I’m alone in the ocean, drowning.
So, after sorting through this pile of shit, I have a challenge for you. If you’re neurodiverse and struggle with these same challenges, I challenge you to take a moment to celebrate every win regardless of how big or small it may seem. If you are neurotypical and these types of challenges don’t have a massive impact on your everyday life, I challenge you to genuinely hear what someone is saying when they ask for help, believe them, and help them to the best of your ability within reason.
Sorting Through the Shit 